My Catalan Husband Calls Beyonce’s Hubby ‘Jay-Zed’ (and His Other Perspectives as a Foreigner Living in the U.S.)

foreigner living in the us Even without living as a foreigner in the U.S., my husband David has his own, very David, interpretation of the world. When you combine that WITH living in the U.S., all kinds of things shoot out of his mouth. A few examples:

 

“It is either brains or it is muscles, but it is rarely both.” David’s after driving past a fraternity playing beer pong on the front lawn


 

David: Does this bar remind you of your family?
Me: Why because everyone is loud and drunk?
<Silence>

 

Me: A school was having their prom at Red Rocks today.
David: What you see in the movies??
Me: Yes
David: Wait, you guys really have those things??!

 

“I need to grow a belly now.” David on what he will do next now that he works in an office

 

“Have you known about this stuff?!?” David upon reading you can purchase cheese that comes in an aerosol can

 

“What is fonzi?” – David after I thanked him for fixing our heater by punching it

 

“Stupid” – David’s first, last and only comment about Valentine’s Day

 

“What kind of American are you??!?” David regarding my inability to provide him instructions on how to play horseshoes.

 

“What the fuck is this??” David on the entire baseball stadium standing up in the middle of the 7th inning

 

“What is Big Gulp?” – David in the parking lot of 7/11

 

“They stink and shit.” David’s thoughts on cats and dogs

 

David: You could do whatever you wanted to do.
Me: I couldn’t be a chef.
David: Well…that is true.

 

“Assholes without borders” – David’s thoughts on every country, regardless of what people would like to think, having its own share of douche bags

 

“That’s my delicate flower.” David on hearing my burp

 

“We painted them with paint and a paintbrush.” – David on how Easter eggs would get dyed in Catalonia

 

“Milli VanillaIce” – David’s thoughts on US radio

 

“I will never get those things.” – David on fraternities

 

Me: “Should we get a membership to the Art Museum?”
David: “Do they have beer there?”

 

“Is it really necessary to say this shit?” – David on the yoga video telling him to open his heart.

 

“We should get you ear tampons.” – David’s troubleshooting me thinking it was too loud

 

Did you just say, “This isn’t my first rodeo?”

 

“You are very sensible.” David’s comment when I am being overly emotional

 

“You don’t have to perfecticate everything.”

 

“Don’t tell me your don’t like science fiction if you like romantic comedies.”

 

The voting options we would have available if David ran the world:
1) Yes
2) No
3) I don’t give a shit

 

“JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING SANDWICH.” -David after the subway guy had asked him a few too many questions about how he would like his lunch

 

“Can we go to one of those places where the cops get donuts?”

 

“That shit doesn’t make any sense.” – David on trick or treating

 

Me: Are you being a goof ball?
David: Are you making up words?

 

“There is a fine line between classic and shitty.” David’s thoughts on dive bars

 

David:Linda what do I put on the form when it asks me if English is my first language?
Me: You say that it is.
David: But it is my fourth language.

 

Waiter: Your burger comes with chips
David: Perfect
Me: He means patatas, potato chips, not french fries
David: Oh, I want french fries
Waiter: What??
David: French fries, you know “freedom fries”

 

Three things David wants to “understand” about the US:
Relish
Hash Browns
Gravy

 

David: Who is that?
Me: Fergie?
David: Who???
David: Who is that??
Me: Usher?
David: Who??

 

“With Miss, Mrs and Mistress who is which one?” – David working out some of the finer details of English

 

David: What do you call the person with the stick?
Me: The batter

 

“This is worse than I could have ever imagined.” – David on driving through the plains of Eastern Colroado

 

“It’s inhumane” – David on the ice cream man having to listen to that song incessantly

 

“At least they should play Eminem.” – David on how to improve ice cream truck marketing

 

“I have pants in my ants.” – David when he is restless

 

“You have the couch on your face.” – David on the lines on my face after a nap



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