Kidnapping & Other Related Travel Annoyances

One month, 12 airports and six Panda Express’ later, I had made a few observations about today’s travel ‘experience’ which I believe are worthy of a mention:

1. If anything should run amok or if you happen to find yourself in a life threatening situation, please know the airline you are flying follows strict FAA regulations and has verified the person in the Emergency Exit row can 1) speak English AND 2) has just celebrated his 12th birthday!

2. The Capitan has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. We will not be discussing the complete uselessness of such things should something go wrong while going 500 miles per hour, 30,000 feet in the air.

3. I don’t know, but if there is a legitimate chance this aircraft will take a nose dive because dude in 18C forgot to turn off his Blackberry – shouldn’t this airfare be looking a lot more like a bus fare?

4. Ditto re: the clever woman in 8B and the 3.8 ounce of Vidal Sassoon she has so carefully stealthfully stashed in her carry on.

5. Dear Terrorist, As part of the amped up security efforts post the September 11th tragedy we are now providing our location, speed, elevation and exact time of arrival in the real time map in the back of your seat. Take a peek when you are done listening to air traffic control navigate all planes within a 500 mile radius of us.

6. Cost to check your bag at check-in? $200. Cost to check your bag at the gate? FREE!

7. Had a few too many spaghetti dinners while traveling? Don’t worry the eight hours of re-circulated sneezes you will be breathing is a practical guarantee for getting the stomach flu within one to two days after arriving at your destination.

8. Dear Delta Airlines, Could you explain to me again the relationship between September 11th, and you now charging $12 for a bag of cashews and snack sized Oreos?

9. The cost for this whole experience? $1600. Want your knees to not be crammed in your jugular? That will be an extra $450.

10. Keep in mind the nearest exit may be behind you.

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