A short list of workplace terms and definitions to help you hit the ground running in demonstrating and leveraging your value add.
“For now, let’s put that idea in the parking lot.” — “How about we bury that thought right over here in ‘The Dumb Fucking Idea Graveyard’?”
Internal Communications — Intended to inform employees of corporate vision and strategy, but mostly lets you know there is a white Toyota in the parking lot with its lights on.
“All Hands on Deck” — “EVERYONE! LOOK BUSY!”
Process — A theory of how to get things done created by those who don’t ever do it and ignored by those who do.
Consultant — A person who gets paid four times more than you to put everything you tell them into a pretty little slide deck.
Cube Farm –Land of three walled pods occupied by people who spend their days thinking, “I took Economics 301 for this shit?!?”
“I am gonna have to escalate.” — Somebody’s ass is in tra-bull
“I will touch base with you.” — “Highly unlikely I will ever feel like talking about this again, but if I do get the urge, which I won’t, I will come find you. ”
FYI — For Your Inbox
Employee Training — HR fumbling with the VCR + 90 min. discussion re: what to do if you see someone wandering the halls without a badge.
Business Case — Half a ream of paper declaring, “I am absolutely, positively 20% sure we need to do this AND have even made up the numbers to prove it!”
“We are resource restrained.” — “I took a look around at the pool of dumb asses I have to get this done and well, it ain’t gettin’ done.”
“Could you repeat that?” — “I will stop playing Tetris on my Blackberry long enough to 1) listen and 2) tell you I will have to get back to you on that.”
All Hands Meeting — Executives denying the company is being sold + McMuffins
If you want to roll up your sleeves and take a deep dive into other vernacular you wouldn’t be caught with your pants down using outside of normal business hours see: