Is He The One?

is he the one Not sure if he is the one? Are those doubts just nerves or are they reality shining through? 13 signs he is the one.

1. You Almost Never Fight

When constantly arguing about who is wrong – your relationship is not right.


My question is how did persistent and regular arguments become acceptable? And, better question, why are you tolerating or involved with this BS? Because you can’t find anything better? Nothing better than fighting and misery all the time? You stay because you love him? The person you constantly fight with?

If you are going to share intimacy, a house, a life, family, finances and well, everything – you are going to, at times, disagree. But are you fighting or disagreeing, and are you doing so more often than you are comfortable with? And, if so how does the long-term trajectory of that look?

A lot like he is not “the one”.

2. You Are Not in Constant “If He Only….” Negotiations with Yourself

Oh my sweet, sweet, optimistic lady friends who spend hours playing mental ping pong re: “he would be perfect if he only….got a job, stopped smoking pot, had a different mother, unloaded the dishwasher from time to time, called you back, for once did what he said he would, had basic financial management skills, stopped sleeping with his ex-girlfriend etc etc etc.”

My first guess is, you have shared this “You would be perfect if…” scenario with him and my second guess is – it has not been, and will never be, granted.

And I ask again, how does the long-term trajectory of that look?

A lot like he is not “the one”.

3. You Don’t Feel Alone with Him

A curious nuance about human nature? People want to be in relationships to avoid loneliness, and then find a relationship where they feel chronically lonely.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is worse than feeling alone with someone else, and if this is the case with him he is most definitely not “the one”.

4. You Have Not Broken Up Multiple Times

The best book about break-ups and getting over them? It’s Called a Break Up Because It Is Broken. Sure, some meant-to-be-together couples break up once and get back together. But are there couples who have severed ties multiple times i.e. chosen to be apart, risked never seeing each other again, gave each other permission to go shag others and surrendered to the awfulness known as post-break up blues – that are still ultimately meant to be together? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

5. You Are 100% Clear that Getting Engaged and/or Married Will Resolve Absolutely None of Your Issues

I had a girlfriend who thought if her boyfriend asked her to marry him their troubles would be resolved. Once engaged she thought that once they were married she could help him figure out his financial mess, and then their troubles would be resolved. Once married she figured out that neither getting engaged nor getting married resolved his financial issues and now – they are divorced.

6. You Trust Each Other

Sad and true – trust is earned – not given. The amount of time “trust” takes varies person to person, but if you are at the point where you are considering if “he is the one”, you should also be at the point where you don’t question whether or not you trust him.

7. He Does Not Try to Change You

FACT: if he is “the one” he will not try to change the clothes you wear, the people you hang out with, your job, your interests, what you do with your free time…or any part of you, you are uncomfortable changing. If he is doing this – he is not only, not the one for you – you are clearly not the one for him.

8. He Does Not Try to Sabotage You or Your Interests, Talents or Dreams

A dangerous and destructive pattern emerging in “Definitely-Not-The-One-land”? The guy who attempts to dim or destroy a woman’s interests, talents and wishes. And sadly, what is also happening in “Definitely-Not-The-One Land” – women are obliging them. My friends, trying to change you is not love – it is character assassination – and let’s not choose an assassin for “the one”, k?

9. You Share Life’s Responsibilities

Warning I am going to quote Oprah.

I was watching her show years ago and she was talking to a woman who was in a relationship with a man where she made the money, took care of the house, the kids, their finances, their life. Oprah asked why she was with him.

“I can’t live without him.” The woman responded.

“You are living without him.” Oprah pointed out.

I don’t believe in gender based roles. In fact, the relationships I know of where the woman earns the majority of the money and the man takes care of the logistics of life I have never seen them to be anything but healthy.

Conversely, I have never seen a healthy relationship where one person does it all or the overwhelming majority of it – as this is not a relationship at all – so it never has the chance of being a good one. As we are going through this life once, let’s choose to go through it with someone who believes in doing their share, shall we?

10. You Align with the Fundamentals

Popular battle topics? Finances, cleanliness, sex, friends, family, kids, religion, values, schedules, chores, life plans and communication style. If you do not agree on all of those things you either need to drink a tall glass of “agree to disagree” (and what woman can really do that?), surrender to a life of fighting (not recommended) or go find a different “one” (highly recommended).

11. You are at Ease with One Another

In an interview with a wedding planner, I asked her if she could tell the difference between couples who were going to make it and those who wouldn’t. She told me the couples she believe make it are, “at ease with each other” and I believe this to be a fundamental imperative in long term relationships. If you are in a constant state of discomfort, always feeling like you are walking on egg shells or consistently waiting for the next shoe to drop – it eventually will. Translation: he is not “the one” now and never will be.

12. You Feel Important and a Priority All. The. Time.

There are the relationships where you feel important and a priority all the time; and there are the relationships where you feel important and a priority when he is bored, horny, feeling guilty and/or in the mood to make you feel that way.

He just may be “the one” is he is the former, and he is absolutely not “the one” if he is the latter.

Still don’t believe me. Read my other favorite book on the subject: He’s Just Not that Into You.

13. Your Friends and Family Adore Him (Arguably the Most Tell-Tale Sign of All)

There are very, very few areas in life that I bat 1000 at, but there has yet to be a situation where I looked at a friend’s boyfriend, thought “Wow, he SUPER SUCKS!” and not had the person eventually, and usually the hard way, come to the same conclusion. Likewise, there has never been a situation where a friend of mine thought the person I was dating was complete and total super suck – and they turned out to wrong.

Peeps, the reality of your relationship is this: you are the worst person to determine if he is “the one” or even “a good one”. Loves blinders are adept at blocking out red flags everyone but you – can see. Want to know without a doubt if he is “the one” – ask someone who loves you – as long as it is not him.

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Broken up and not sure what to do with yourself? Know someone who is there? Get It’s Called a Break Up Because It’s Broken for hysterical humor and real world advice, When Things Fall Apart for a Buddhist perspective (or as the book says ‘heart felt advice for difficult times’) and The New Earth to know all things will absolutely get better.



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