Passive Aggressive Bitches

bitch bubbly You know them (unfortunately). The stingy family members, those who disguise themselves as friends and the co-workers whose only objective is seemingly knocking you down a few rungs.

These people know precisely how, when and where to serve up jabs at your character, reminders of moments you would prefer to forget and comments which are not only unnecessary but malicious. I refer to these folks, appropriately I believe, as Passive Aggressive Bitches (PABs).

Their best and most proud work is done in front of a crowd, when a new friend or romantic interest of yours is within earshot or when anyone hints at taking a touch more interest in you – than in them. Jealousy and the inability to express feelings honestly will trigger PABs to new heights of inappropriateness.


PABs have honed their skills with such rigor their comments teeter perfectly on the edge of you not knowing if they are intentionally hurting you; or if you “just can’t take a joke”.

Although you simultaneously brace yourself for PABs inevitable comments, they still arrive as if by sneak attack. Your response to their ambush is typically something you spend weeks ruminating over “what you wish you would have said.”

Our high school psychology class taught us PABs behave this way because they are in the top percentile of personal feelings of inadequacy, which is sad, but frankly – not your problem.

The best thing to do, of course, is to avoid these people altogether. For years, I mistakenly believed PAB behavior, even from good friends, wasn’t mean and vindictive but instead an indication of someone who “didn’t know better” or who “didn’t quite have the right social skills”.

But, then I learned a harsh and ugly reality: regardless of what you want to tell yourself; or what they tell you in their meager defense (likely: “I WAS JUST KIDDING!” Or “I forgot you can’t take a joke.”) They are deliberately trying to hurt you, trying to make you uncomfortable, and trying to make you look bad. And while they are masters of playing stupid, PABs not only know exactly what they are doing; they in their demented psyche, get pleasure out of watching you squirm. It is, after all, exactly why they do it.

Removing these people from your life means no more worrying about what will come out of their mouth “next time” and, of course, no longer having “friends” who aren’t really friends at all.

Regrettably though, there are some PABs who are unavoidable e.g. your mother-in-law, your next door neighbor and/or your boss. In these situations, life is easier when you approach them in a delicate yet firm way and this is how:

When they deliver one of their biting PABisms, quietly, calmly and respectfully say this:

“That hurt my feelings, was that your intention?”

My friends, this will stop PABs in their tracks.

There is nothing PABs fear more than direct communication. Asking this question is the most straightforward, effective and responsible way of dealing with them.

(I know, you would much rather say, “Are you always a bitch or are you just giving me special treatment?” And you certainly deserve to say that, but it is likely to make the problem worse not better, so say that to yourself and to them: “That hurt my feelings, was that your intention?”)

PABs can’t cope with anything candidly. Forcing them to answer a respectfully asked question, especially one indicating they have hurt you, will cause them intense discomfort – which is precisely its intention. (People tend to avoid future situations where they have previously learned entering them means guaranteed personal unpleasantness.)

Please know this is a fool proof method of stopping the Passive Aggressive Bitchism for good, but it may take saying it a few times to cease the behavior completely. The PAB is likely going to be super peeved at you for calling her out, and as such, will likely consider, and may even deliver, a counter assault or two.

But to cure yourself of this (and them) you must maintain your position. Continue responding to every PABisms very politely with, “That hurt my feelings, was that your intention?” and I can promise you – after those eight words have aborted multiple missions (i.e. to make you look bad and her feel good) she will either move on down the road to an easier victim or stop saying these things to you entirely – but either way – you win.

 



3 thoughts on “Passive Aggressive Bitches

  1. My MIL is the most evil PAB I have ever seen. Actually I have never known anyone like her. She is no longer allowed at our house on common occasion, but strictly parties like my husbands bday, christmas and my kids- which she cares nothing about. At EVERY gathering, she will sit in the middle of the room and start reading to my kids, as if she cares. I caught the bitch after about a year of suspecting her, leaving my twins unattended, once for almost a half hour. I also counted diaper changes and found she was really neglecting them. Last weekend was my youngests first bday. She had the nerve to tell my aunt, “you know, I dont have one single picture of any of my grandkids”…. I wanted to choke her, but I kept serving cake. She failed to mention I left our family pics on the table back then for about a month so she could pick one out. I brought it up to my husband and he said, she didnt do anything wrong by saying that. She really is destroying our marriage, one bite at a time. And we are a very strong and otherwise very happily married couple. I am such an honest/open and direct person that can’t tolerate fake people so dealing with her has been so hard for me. I don’t really care what she says or even about her at all…after all she doesnt care at all about my kids, or even really her son because I think she only is concerned about their relationship because she wants to leach off him in her older years. But I do care that my husband doesnt genuinely see why I’m upset. He has told her that she didnt follow our rules (she rearranged, bought things and installed them, moved my things, fed things to my kids I didnt approve of and let them do things I didnt approve of..and didnt let them do things that I wanted for them like play out side! She also threw poopy cloth diapers down our laundry shoot – to sit in a pile until I discovered, left her things everywhere and the list goes onnnnn from day 1 she gave me advice that I didnt want/need) so him being so diplomatic and understating it continuously really has told me hes deep down still a Mamas boy. I have tried to take a stoic approach but the fact that he doesnt really have my back not only hurts me but makes me wonder how everything will pan out. The irony…her masters is in early childhood development- but shes jobless since I fired her as our nanny. I’d love any advice.

  2. My girlfriends parents are like this and I just told them off through my girlfriend and don’t talk to them anymore. It really pisses them off that I just don’t give a crap if they like me or not. I actually get pleasure out of them feeling hopeless to sabotage our relationship. If I were you id take a dump in her laundry basket and then just deny it.

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